It’s crazy how death and loss creates a wound.
One that never fully heals.
And like any wound can reopen at any moment.
These awful moments in our life.
The moments you used to think “that would never happen to me.”
But when it does you are shocked.
The worst moments of our lives.
When a loved one dies.
Or tragedy strikes.
It taints the soul.
The best way that I can explain it is,
Before the event, my soul would have been brightly colored, even in more difficult moments.
Pinks, oranges, yellows for happiness.
Blues and purples for sadness.
Greens for envy or jealous.
Reds for anger.
All these colors, brightly shining throughout different moments in my life.
But after the event,
Imagine a black, smoky film being placed over those colors.
And at first, the film is thick.
So thick you cannot see the colors at all.
There’s really only the darkness.
That darkness is loss, grief, anger, sadness, and hate all formed into one solid mass.
Joy has no place within this darkness.
Unable to empathize with others.
Unable to understand others hardships.
Blaming yourself and others for what happened,
Even if it was out of your control.
Your life is shrouded by this darkness.
But slowly that blackness begins to lift.
Not for any particular reason, other than time.
There is no controlling it.
But that darkness slowly begins to dissipate.
And you begin to see the colors slowly emerging.
You are able to laugh more at memories instead of always crying.
You remember all the good and the bad times with that person.
You are able to feel that love from them without always breaking down.
But that darkness chooses when it wants to creep in again.
With no control on your part.
And you must let it.
I find that even after three and a half years without Ryane,
There are still times I cry my eyes out in the shower.
There are still times I get jealous of others for taking their loved ones for granted.
There are times where I am angry because I don’t get to have my sister by my side.
There are even still times when I laugh at other’s hardship, because mine feel so much heavier.
There are times when that darkness peaks through and takes over.
I know it now, I understand it.
I also know how to handle it.
How to get out of the darkness.
I remember the good times.
I remember my family and friends that shower me with unconditional love.
And I remember Ryane, who was the most loving person I know.
I remember her, and she reminds me to be better.
To care for all.
To be accepting of everyone.
To laugh through life even when it’s not what you expected.
If I could show you my soul, the colors would be there,
But the darkness is there as well.
It is a part of me.
And I am proud of that.
Because I have learned how to manage it.
How to grow and become stronger because of it.
And most importantly, how I can interact with other’s in a more genuine way.
Of course, I wish I did not have this darkness.
I wish Ryane were still here. Every. single. day.
But I made the decision to take that darkness and help others with it.
To grow from it.
To conquer it.
To live for Ryane through it.
And I will keep doing that for her,
until the day I die.
Unable are the Loved to die,
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity —
Unable they that love – to die
For Love reforms Vitality
– Emily Dickinson