Asphyxiation

Suffocation.

Do you know the feeling of loss?

It’s the feeling of your throat closing up.

Breathing is difficult.

You begin to suffocate,

as if the world without them no longer has oxygen.

How am I supposed to breath without them?

They were my oxygen.

My reason for living.

The person I turned to for guidance and advice,

the hug I sought at the end of an awful day,

the approval I demanded to ensure I was going down the right path.

The face I sought in a crowd,

the voice I listened for in every conversation,

the laugh I heard at the end of my jokes.

Without them, what is left?

No oxygen.

No way to breathe.

Choking,

Suffocation.

..

Have you every walked into a room looking for the person who made you feel safe?

And when you caught their eye across the room, you instantly relax?

Or had the opposite happen?

What it felt like when you couldn’t find them?

What about when you realized they would never be in that room?

That it was impossible, because they were gone…forever.

The person that had made you feel special your whole life, would never do that again.

You belonged to each other,

You had lifelong roles to be played, but their role ended early.

Abruptly ripped from your life.

And you are re-casted by force into a role the makes no sense.

To relearn every aspect of living.

How to interact with others.

How to laugh again,

How to be happy for others,

When you are struggling to feel any joy at all.

..

All you can imagine is when the world was easy.

When you could breathe in and out without thinking.

The choking feeling didn’t exist.

There were no sobs to hurt your body.

That type of sadness was never a part of your world.

…

Yet, now it is part of you.

It squelches even the greatest joys.

It flicks the switch from a smile to a frown in a matter of seconds.

The triggers are unknown.

The constricting occurs at random.

No matter how often you clear your throat,

drink a glass of water,

or slow your breathing,

you still can’t catch a breathe.

…

Have you ever had that person who could calm you with a look?

The look that said, “hey, I am here for you and you only.”

The person who talked you up to everyone,

The minute someone insulted you,

they would come in defending you and everyone would recant.

They saw you for everything you were.

All your flaws and imperfections,

and yet, they glorified the beauty in you.

…

That person no longer exists.

They are gone from this world.

And with them,

they took my oxygen.

I am choking.

Slowly suffocating.

In this world without them.

 

xoxo,