Permanent Death

The permanence of death –

It is something you never really contemplate or understand until it’s thrust upon you,

and then your brain doesn’t even allow you to comprehend it.

You try over and over to understand,

“This person will no longer be in your life,

you will not see them ever again,

you will not hear their voice,

no more laughter,

no more singing,

no more hugging.

You will never get those moments again.”

And yet, your brain is saying,

“Oh, I’ll just call them tomorrow”

or “I just hugged them goodbye yesterday.”

“I’ll see them walk through the door any second.”

I will say even after three and a half years without Ryane,

there are still days I believe I will see her walk in the door,

Acting like it was some kind of joke.

I’ve had dreams where the past three years she was just in jail,

and now she was finally returning like the prodigal son.

All lies my brain has told me,

So I can semi-cope with losing her.

I would say it is a gift that my brain does this,

But in reality,

It really is a curse.

And that’s probably why the finally stage of grief is so difficult to accomplish,

An ongoing process towards “acceptance.”

There are days that I can and days that I am far from it.

Grief is always ongoing.

You cannot beat it.

It takes you on whatever ride it feels like.

Making you go through each of the five stages on repeat –

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Makes you dizzy sometimes, not knowing what to expect for any particular day.

On a repeated rinse cycle in the laundry,

Never fully coming out clean,

So continuing to wash, over and over again.

Except that stain, that grief, that loss,

It will never go away,

So you keep going through the cycle,

With no control over it,

It will never stop.

And the worst part of life,

Is that you will have to go through it with everyone you know.

So that cycle,

It will no longer be only for that one person,

It may be for two, or ten, or fifteen, and so on.

Maybe some cycles are gentler than others.

But they still go on,

And they really make you wonder,

how does life go on?

how does everyone just keep moving?

how do they keep their heads up?

how do they not cry throughout their day?

Because everyone is feeling this in some kind of way.

It may not be as extreme as others,

Or it may be due to different circumstances,

But how are we still going?

And the answer is…

we just are.

because we must,

so we do.

so let’s try to do it together,

instead of alone.

Ask for help when you need it,

because we are all going through hell,

but at least we can suffer together.


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