We are okay.

I miss you.

And we are all doing well.

And that’s what really gets to me.

The fact that you are no longer in this world.

Someone who made my life better every day – just by knowing you were out there,

but no longer…

And yet, we are all moving forward.

Because life without you is something we are all used to,

but if I let myself,

I remember how much better it was with you in it,

I remember the tom-boy that I grew up with,

the one who collected acorn tops so she could blow them like whistles,

the one who shared a room with me – talking all night,

the one who used to put on plays with all our stuffed animals when we were supposed to be sleeping,

the one who I would yell at to stop moving around at night, and she would reply with “my feet aren’t tired.”

the one who would yell at me to turn off the light as I read my books,

the one who made me feel so special my whole life,

the one who used to “beat me” and all I could do was laugh,

the one who went thrifting and bought the most ridiculous clothes – and pulled them off,

the one who called me Nay-Nay,

the one I could reminsce with on all our memories together,

the one who gave me the confidence I needed every day to be me,

the one who lit up a room the minute she walked in,

the one who’s compassion changed people’s lives,

the one who had such empathy that she hurt for others,

the one who was always there for others – but when she needed someone, no one was there,

the one who kept her demons hidden from the world, until they became too great,

the one who gave the best hugs,

who laughed easily,

who showed me how to love all,

who understood my thoughts,

who I loved with all my heart,

who was my soulmate,

and I will forever be searching for that same love.

I just want you to know that we are all alright.

I am still working towards my Master’s in Social Work (MSW), and I will graduate in May 2021. I am currently living downtown and working at Vintage – I wish you were here and we could work together.

Kennedy is still thriving in Denver. Her senior year starts in the fall, time really does fly. Ken and I are basically the same person, which I now realize is why we fought so much growing up.

Our baby brother, Connor, is no longer a baby. He begins his freshman year at Purdue University in engineering this fall. I remember when he was so small with spiky hair and glasses.

Mom just moved to the city – just like she always dreamed. She’s working full-time and going to law school. She really is a badass.

And Dad is still stuck- but he’s trying.

If you were here, I could picture us living together. Finding some crappy apartment to live in. Working at Vintage for the summer – me so I have a job and you so you can afford your art supplies.

The world is a darker place without you in it.

I miss your light.

I miss your energy.

I miss the force that was Ryane.

I love you.


3 thoughts on “We are okay.

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