Because of you

Ryane,

You would be happy to know

that I am more myself than I have been in a long time.

More of the goofy, sarcastic sister that you knew,

the one who would banter with others,

who laughed easily and loved hard,

the sister you grew up with,

that you nurtured,

she went away for a while,

she didn’t feel safe in this world without you,

she couldn’t let people in, not fully,

she couldn’t deal with the pain that you left,

she hide for a while,

but she found her way back,

she built up her own armor,

armor she had never had to have before,

because you were her protection,

you would have been sad to see who replaced her,

because she was not complete,

she was empty at times,

she was wounded,

and alone,

well, felt alone,

never really alone,

but as they say,

time heals,

I won’t say everything,

but time does heal,

and I’ve been able to build myself up again,

the woman you believed in is back,

and I wish you were here to see her,

because now that I’m back,

I can feel the lack of you,

because this Nelson hasn’t existed in a world without Ryane,

and her heart hurts for you every single day,

but she’s doing it,

thinking of you constantly,

as she’s trash talking during a volleyball game,

debating about the psychological impact of things,

laughing the night away with the family who has always held her up,

dancing and singing in the car with friends,

going out meeting new people,

working on herself,

following her dreams as they are dreamt,

knowing that you would have been right there alongside her,

cheering her on,

and loving her unconditionally.

That woman was always there,

but she had been hiding,

and now she is ready for the world,

the world without the soulmate she had her whole life,

the world that can be so dark and terrible,

and yet, continues to show her the light.

I wish you could see me now,

I wish I could see what you would be up to,

all I know is the person you helped me to become,

she is back.

And she is here to stay.

She thinks of you every day,

knowing that you are the reason she has the strength she does,

the reason she smiles easily,

hugs harder,

and reaches out to those who need it most.

Because of you.

So thank you.

And I love you.

xoxo,