Do you remember?

Today marks four years since I lost Ryane, my best friend and soulmate. In her honor, I am publishing something I wrote about her six months after she passed away. Just so you all can remember how amazing and wonderful she really was to everyone she came into contact with.

Do you remember?

Do you remember that girl in your theology class freshman year?  The one who when something went wrong she jumped into action.  The one who when a complete stranger at this new school, saw you needed help and she jumped into action.  Because you were so stressed out, that your seizure meds were off, so in the middle of the day, you had a fit.  No one moved.  But this random girl.  Who defied the social standards, and moved to your side.  She talked you through it.  This kind, random, selfless girl.  I remember her.  I miss her.

Always by that strangers side. Always throwing social standards out the window.

Do you remember?

Do you remember the girl who came back to love?  Who was gone, lost  for a time, but came back and loved us all?  Who was thankful for everything?  Did the dishes because she felt she owed something?  Drove me two hours out of her way, because she loved me?  I remember her.  The days she would drive me, the nights she would go with my plans, because so many times before we had gone with hers.

Do you remember?

The little girl who would talk to strangers?  The little girl, whose twin sister was shy, but if you talked to her for 5 minutes would know everything about both of them.  The two little girls who were inseparable.

Do you remember?

Remember the girl who made her sister feel beautiful?  The one who loved her for everything she did.  Loved her for her glasses, loved her for her weird wave hair, loved her for her out there style.  I remember.

Do you remember?

The girl who tried every hairstyle you could possibly try.  Fashionable mullet is one of my favorites.  The boy cut.  The blue hair.  When she went blonde?  When she tried to dye it back and went orange?

Do you remember?

Being starving waiting for jazz band practice, so going to chipotle.  Getting the same steak burrito and splitting it exactly half.  $7.32. We got steak because you loved it.  Ate it so much, I couldn’t eat Chipotle for a year after that.

The little tomboy?  The one who nobody wanted her to do our makeup because she would make us look like a clown?  The bug catcher?  Dead bunny carrier?

Do you remember?

The two twins.  Those two twins who were so different, but alike. The Jenig Twins.  Do you remember how they brought out the best in each other.  The two who shared a bedroom their whole lives, and even a bed?  What about how in the past year they were both so busy they barely saw each other?  “Well, see each other eventually.”  I remember.  Everyday.  I remember.

I remember it all.  And yet I don’t.  It slowly slips away each day.  The feeling of her.

Her love for music?  Her love for art?  For makeup?  Nails?  What about the time she had blue hair?  Her love for others.  What about that?  Sushi?  What about her love for her family????  How every other week she would post how she missed me.

What about her mom, who all she wanted was to have children, and finally after five years of trying had two.  What about the mom, who loved her kids so much she would do anything.  She put in so much work.  So much time.  So much… love.  And it’s just ruined in an instance.  Gone.  All the work.  Devalued actually.  Even though there is nothing more she could have done.  Nothing that would have changed this outcome.  Nothing.

And now all the things she was.  All the things she did. Memories.  All the things she was going to do…they cease to exist.  Just. like. that.

Would one more “be careful” have changed the outcome?  One more “you can call me if you need anything.”? What about one more “I love you, Ryane.”??  Asking her to hang out with me, just for a little longer.  Would everything be different?  Who knows.

I love you Ryane. And you are still missed by so many people. You continue to impact others even without being here. Wish you were here.


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