The Light & its Sunflowers

You haven’t been as prevalent on my mind lately.

You haven’t… been as prevalent… on my mind lately….

You haven’t………been as prevalent………on my mind lately……

….

It is so weird to be here, present day, without you.

It is weird getting new jobs.

Getting engaged.

Living in the city.

Living life.

Without you.

But it is also not so weird anymore.

It is also pretty normal.

To say I have two siblings, instead of three.

To not mention I have a twin, because I don’t want the next question, which is where is she today?

To call my siblings or mom, instead of you.

To think of my past self as a twin, but no longer.

Easier to not think about you.

To not constantly be wounded.

To no longer need you as if you were one of my limbs.

It is all normal.

Today, I needed a flash drive to scan a document.

And when I openned that USB there were your things.

Frozen in time. Frozen in 2016 and earlier.

A file that said “RYANE THE DESTROYER”

as only you would name a file.

It made me laugh,

but then it made me cry

to think…

who else in the world would do that?

What a uniquely odd person it takes to think to write that.

What a sad truth that that person no longer exists in this world.

It reminded me of how much space your personality took up.

How it filled a room with silliness and laughter.

How it molded the people around you.

Made them lean into the sunshine that you provided them.

We were all sunflowers to your light.

Always moving to face it, to bask in it.

I miss the light.

I miss knowing what direction to face.

Never questioning my place, as close to the light as I could get.

I haven’t experienced light like that since you’ve been gone.

I get fragments of it from others.

I can feel the spirit of you there,

but never another compared to your light.

I probably never will.

I miss leaning into your light.

Being showered by it.

Basking in the world you created for me.

The world that no longer exists, because you created it for me.

And without you, it is gone.

Unreachable.

just as you are.

It really is wild

how much I crave a conversation

with you.

Just one small conversation.

To here you speak again.

To laugh with you.

One day I will.

I will see you again.

Till then.

I love you.

and I will always miss you,

even in the moments

that I try to forget.

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