To my lovely sister, Ryane –
My world was completely changed, six years ago, on October 1st because of you.
The world I had always known – with you by my side – no longer existed.
And still no longer exists.
I really struggle putting into words what life is like without you in the world.
This is the first year of myself comfortably saying I have two siblings instead of three.
The first year of you not overwhelming me at every moment,
The first year that I can really control when I let myself cry over you.
Grief still comes in waves. The waves are less frequent and slightly less overwhelming.
It can still come to suffocate me;
when I see twins siblings together enjoying their twinness;
when I’m wedding planning and trying to figure out how to include you in some way,
when in reality, if you were here, you would have been standing up there with me;
when I see other artists and think about the many creations that we will never see come to life.
Some of these thoughts make it hard to breathe, if I let myself think about them.
And October 1st brings all of these thoughts and memories back to the forefront of my mind.
None of these things, mean that I miss you any less.
Just because my normal is without you,
does not mean that I wouldn’t give anything to have you back in my life.
I still miss your voice and your laughter.
I miss those hugs that would hold me up on my worst days.
I miss the accents and jokes you used to tell.
I miss how you loved being the center of attention.
I miss the way you always made me feel loved.
I miss sharing my life with you.
The invisible link that I could feel miles away.
The life line that kept me sane when I felt lonely or overwhelmed.
I miss knowing that my best friend was out there.
I love my life.
I love my family and my fiance.
I love my friends and my cats.
I love my job and my apartment.
it would be amazing if I could share it all again with you.