never know

You have been coming up a lot lately. I don't know if it is because the holiday's are approaching. Maybe its a little seasonal depression mixed in as the nights get longer and colder. My mind has reverted back to... "what if she were here..." What if we could scream sing Chiquita by ABBA over …

Six years —

To my lovely sister, Ryane - My world was completely changed, six years ago, on October 1st because of you. The world I had always known - with you by my side - no longer existed. And still no longer exists. I really struggle putting into words what life is like without you in the …

The Light & its Sunflowers

You haven't been as prevalent on my mind lately. You haven't... been as prevalent... on my mind lately.... You haven't.........been as prevalent.........on my mind lately...... .... It is so weird to be here, present day, without you. It is weird getting new jobs. Getting engaged. Living in the city. Living life. Without you. But it …

Small deaths

"When you love someone, you share a part of your soul with them and they share part of their soul with you. When they die, part of you dies also. But that part of their soul remains in you because you are still alive." I know it seems like forever. Like I don't think about …

Today is for You

How does this never get any easier. For five years - This day comes around makes it difficult to breathe sucks the life right out of me the wound is reopened all over again gaping as if it just occurred yesterday Just for this day could the world just stop. Acknowledge the life that was …

Purposely Stuck

I understand why people feel stuck when they lose a loved one. You realize they will never accomplish anything every again. They will never experience life again. They will never learn again. Never laugh. Never smile. Never hug. Never. ... People get stuck because they don't want to live in a world where that person …

Not okayness

You know what is still the most prevalent thought regarding my sister, Ryane. The fact that she will never "be" again. She will never stand by my side. She will never laugh at one of my jokes. Come on vacation with me. Walk with me through the park. Live with me in an apartment, as …

Pain with Love, and Love with Pain.

So much pain in the world. Of course, as a social worker, I am taught to acknowledge the pain, but always lead with the positive. Lead with the strengths, the lessons to learn, the positives throughout all the negatives. But that pain is still there. It's caused by uncontrollable factors in the world. Parents who …

The fallacy of the world

I am sure for those who have been following my blog for awhile many of you may think - "Oh, she must be doing better - Her grief most be lighter, her burden not as heavy..." Or maybe you understand the inner workings of grief and know that each day is different from the last. …

Because of you

Ryane, You would be happy to know that I am more myself than I have been in a long time. More of the goofy, sarcastic sister that you knew, the one who would banter with others, who laughed easily and loved hard, the sister you grew up with, that you nurtured, she went away for …