Purposely Stuck

I understand why people feel stuck when they lose a loved one.

You realize they will never accomplish anything every again.

They will never experience life again.

They will never learn again.

Never laugh.

Never smile.

Never hug.

Never.

…

People get stuck because they don’t want to live in a world where that person isn’t experiencing the things they should be with them.

They will never celebrate a success with you.

They will never cry with you through a break-up.

They will never graduate with their own degree.

Or accomplish the dreams they set for themselves.

–

So you get stuck,

because what is a world without them?

I planned on celebrating every joyful moment

And crying over every struggle with them.

I planned to celebrate in their own victories,

and help them through their own difficulties.

I planned to live my life with them.

To wake up and know they would be a part of my life on that day.

But that’s not the case anymore,

and it won’t be ever again.

…

On Saturday, I graduated with my master’s in social work.

I am beyond excited to start my career in something I absolutely love.

And yet, as the ceremony came to a close…

I was brought to tears,

not because I was scared,

or sad to be done with school.

But because my person –

the one I always want to share my joy with –

is not here.

–

I have now gone through two graduations without her.

One with a degree that I hated,

and now with the one I love,

Guided by her – because I realized life is too short to do something you hate.

And it makes me so incredibly sad to know –

that she will never graduate.

She had big dreams –

majors in art and business –

dreams to create and grow her painting and drawing business.

Dreams to do what she loved.

But that all ended the day she died.

And I am so incredibly sad for her and for the world,

that they will never get to experience what she could have accomplished.

…

I am very grateful for the opportunities I have had.

I am grateful that I was able to work to pay for my graduate degree,

graduating with a 4.0 GPA, passing my PEL content exam, and finishing both internships in the middle of a pandemic.

I am grateful for so much.

And yet, I wish I could have her by my side cheering me on,

and myself, cheering her on in all her greatness.

I know she is still making an impact on the world

even after her death,

but man….I wish I could see her today.

She was so powerful,

so beautiful.

So much life left to give,

taken away in an instance.

–

My only advice I can give,

is do what you love,

be with the people you love,

and share your love with others.

Because life is too short to waste a moment on anything else.

–

I love and miss you every day, Ryane.

xoxo,