How does this never get any easier.
For five years –
This day comes around
makes it difficult to breathe
sucks the life right out of me
the wound is reopened all over again
gaping as if it just occurred yesterday
Just for this day could the world just stop.
Acknowledge the life that was lost.
Acknowledge that that this marks the worst day of my entire life.
the world is cruel,
“you must go on,” they say.
maybe if you made it easier I could “go on”
But the world doesn’t.
The grace period on grief seems to expire.
here it is.
Bringing me back to that day.
Drowning me in the darkness.
This day is owned by her.
No one else can claim it.
This is her day.
The day where I feel my walls crumple.
Where I take the time to assess the damage.
How have I healed?
Or how am I broken?
Sorting through the pieces.
Seeing what is salvagable.
What needs to be built up.
Every year it gets easier to bear this load in my daily life.
But today is the day I let myself feel it all.
I do not push it down.
I do not hide from it.
I welcome it.
Today, I allow myself to be destroyed.
Because I deserve one day.
One day to fall apart.
To acknowledge the life with her that I will never have.
The moments that will never come.
I just have our memories together,
And the unconditional love she gave me.
Today, I choose to breakdown.
Today, I choose to succumb to the sorrow.
Today is for you, Ryane.
I love you.