Small deaths

“When you love someone, you share a part of your soul with them and they share part of their soul with you. When they die, part of you dies also. But that part of their soul remains in you because you are still alive.”

I know it seems like forever. Like I don’t think about you all the time.

But I really do.

Every day.

Every accomplishment.

Every happy moment.

Every mistake or conflict.

I want to talk to you.

I want to run to you as I always did.

When I hear a beautiful song that reminds me of you.

When I try a new experience and I want to share it with you.

I really do feel like a part of me died when you died.

And I am thankful that I carry a part of you with me every day.

But it really is not enough.

I miss who I was with you.

Even though I do love who I am today.

I miss how easy-going life seemed before.

How even when everything was going wrong, I knew I had you as my anchor.

When you died….

I was left to float in a void.

The current dragging me every which way.

Dragging me under.

Drowning me at times.

Everything I knew to be true was a lie.

The world became a dark and awful place.

Where happiness was always twanged with sadness.

It’s different now.

It breaks my heart to think back to that day.

The day I didn’t know would be the last time I would look at your face alive.

The last time I would hear your voice and laughter.

The last time I would hug you.

Lean into you.

It breaks my heart for that Nelson.

Who had no idea what was to come.

Everything changed that day.

I am waiting for it to make sense.

This world that I live in now.

The world where you are not in any of my new experiences.

But only exist when I close my eyes.

When I remember you.

It’s unfair.

And awful.

And not enough.

The vibrancy you brought to the world was like being on a drug and going through withdraws.

How would someone survive without that in their life.

Someone who filled a room with her personality.

Someone who shown like the sun.

Blinding anyone in the path.

Warming everyone within reach.

And then, you were existiguished.

The light went out.

And there was a void.

A huge, unfathomable void.

That left everyone feeling empty.

As if nothing was left,

because that’s how much you filled.

You wove your way through all of our lives like ivy does to bricks.

Imagine if that ivy was so intertwined in the bricks,

as if the ivy began growing into the seams of the building as it was being built,

and then when the ivy – *poof* – disappears,

the whole structure collapses.

It was an integral part of the structure.

Now, the only thing left is the foundation.

Everything gutted and hopeless.

And it feels good to sit in that.

To succumb to it,

because the only other option

is to build everything from the base.

To start completely anew.

An utterly exhausting and overwhelming process

that the world demands.

every relationship – altered.

every interaction – different.

every aspect — changed forever.

I do like the idea that you are apart of me and will live on in me.

But that day when you died….

A part of me died.

A part that I wish I could get back.

But I know cannot exist in a world without Ryane.

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