Searching

There are so many things that go through my head in a day.  One second everything is normal, I am thinking of exams or homework, and then next the reality that I am in crashes down on me.  And then, the normality seems unimportant.  Because everything has changed.  Whether I want it to or not.  Everything revolves around this terrible thing that happened.  What even matters now?

My goals I feel have changed.  Before, my life was going to be average.  Graduate.  Job.  Marriage.  Children.  Now it feels different.  I don’t know what I am meant to do.  Life is short that’s all I really know.  I don’t want to settle on the easiest, most convenient path.  I want adventure.  I want enlightenment.  I want culture.  And happiness.  And love.   I want to live life to the fullest.  What am I doing right now?  I am comfortable.  But life should be uncomfortable.  Some of the best moments in my life, were uncomfortable situations that Ryane pushed me to do.   I know Ryane said to me once that she couldn’t see her future.  Well, I feel that way as well.  In the past year, I have realized I enjoy a lot of things. I love traveling, I love math, I love problem solving, I love teaching, I love organizing, I love advertising, I love flyer making, I love projects, the list goes on.  Where do these things take me?

Ryane had so many ideas, but she was just as lost.  I want to live for her as well.  I am searching, just as she was.  Searching for answers.  Searching for my purpose.  The purpose of it all.

My family this past weekend all went to my brother’s confirmation mass and dinner.  I know for my confirmation it was my immediate family and my sponsor.  That was it.  This time my mom’s side of the family all came.  It was beautiful and the dinner was amazing.  We even celebrated my mom’s birthday.  But why did this big party happen?  It wasn’t a normal thing.  No, it’s because everything is different.

We had a lantern release for Ryane.  We all wrote on the lanterns, went out to the pond by my house and released them.  It was beautiful, and I know she was there with us, loving it all.  Other than how she can’t be there with us.  Constant reminders.  Everything right now is about her.  How am I going to ever return to normality if she is everywhere.  I know my life will never be the same as it was before that night, BUT when will I get to go through a day without spiraling into sadness or frustration by a random thought.

My new random thought of the week is the fact that I will live 4x as long as she was in my life.  Pretty f-uped thought.  But I can’t get it out of my head.  Instead of having her in my wedding as my maid of honor or a brides-made, what do I get to do now?  Have a picture of her there during the ceremony?  That’s what she’s been reduced to?  I don’t get to have her right next to me like she has been my WHOLE LIFE.

Everything is so wrong.  But this is my life now.  This is my new reality.  My new norm.  The thing is I don’t want to get used to it.  Everything was fine before that instant in time.  I was on a path.  And now it is completely different.   And I have no idea where I am going.  A life without Ryane is like barely treading the surface.  Barely surviving.  Half of me is in another world.  I don’t know what I even have left to give.  I am still finding broken pieces of myself that I didn’t know were there.  I don’t know what she took with her.  I am just trying to survive.  I am in somebody else’s life; this only happens in bad movies.  Nope, it is real.  This happens to real people, and I am that person.  It doesn’t get worse than this.  I am only strong enough by the grace of God.  I don’t know the plan. Maybe I never will, but I am searching.  Searching for my purpose.  The purpose of it all.

 

**I would like to say Happy Birthday to my Mom, Jeanine.  She is my inspiration, my role model, and who I look up to most in the world.  She has made me who I am today.  I am blessed to have such a strong woman in my life, someone who is so strong morally and faithfully.  I love her so much.  I thank God for her every day.

Thank you for everything you have done for me and the rest of our family.  For all the sacrifices you have made.  And all the love you give us each day.